Numbness +

A year ago I was crumbling. If you asked me at the time I probably would have brushed it under the rug and said it’s fine. I’m fine.

What I didn’t realize was how poorly I was dealing with things. My dad’s death (among other things) were buried so deep inside I couldn’t even recognize them, and eventually I couldn’t recognize myself either. The hollow smiles and unspilled tears that settled at the bottom of bottles were feelings I had become comfortable with.

Emptiness and sadness weren’t unfamiliar to me, but I’d be damned if I let myself dwell in them. I was so afraid of falling back into the black hole I had clawed myself out of plenty of times before in my life, that I refused to let myself slip into any emotions I couldn’t control. Instead of working through my pain and being patient with myself, I felt that as long I held it together outwardly- I was making progress.

I was so wrong. Pain has a way of becoming warped when you hold it in. It’s subtle and powerful and will often allow you to think you’re in control.

And then you find yourself warped too. Unrecognizable. Questioning who exactly you are.

There’s a quote I like:

“Unexpressed emotions never die, they just come forth in uglier ways”

Which I was unfortunately finding to be true. I was doing things out of character. I was working for the weekend. Blacking out every single Saturday night and pushing through Sunday Fundays. Week after week.

My energy was so low and eventually it turned into self hatred. I hated how I looked, how I felt. I had no clarity. I was totally disconnected from my true self.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but I was subconsciously building a wall around me. To keep my emotions in, or to keep others out? I’m not sure.

I didn’t want to be hard to the world. I desperately wanted to feel normal again. Or to feel again, but it just felt like a concept that was so far away. I was numb.

In a way, icy coldness or fiery anger are both easier to deal with than numbness.

They are outer directed and you might actually have some control over them.

Being numb just is. When you are numb you lack empathy. You lack heartfelt reasoning. People become collateral damage because your indifference is more hurtful than flames or frost.

It took months before I could come to terms with this. It took months of working on myself. Releasing old pain. Forgiving myself. Forgiving others. But mostly just focusing on who I knew I wanted to be and aligning myself to that.

Self development has always been a big part of who I am, but I learned (yet again) that the strongest lessons we take home with us are the ones we walk ourselves through and out of. We can read page after page of someone else’s life, but the lessons don’t truly resonate until we’re the ones putting out our own internal fires.

I had dog eared a page titled Numbness in a Rupi Kuar book. I found it today and reread it.

Reading it was so sad. Not because I could relate, but because at one point I did. There was a moment in time where I was so broken… I read this poem and identified with it so strongly that I marked it.

I had to read it twice before the memory of when I bookmarked it came back to me. Then it all flooded back in…

More than anything I feel relieved. To stand in a moment of time and feel the distance between who I was and who I am is powerful and humbling.

As days pass we don’t see change.

As months pass we feel change in what we see as microscopic increments.

But in the space of a year, the difference feels monumental.

Never doubt yourself when working towards anything. Ever. Those microscopic decisions pile up and eventually they’ll take you where you need to be. Just don’t stop. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Seek growth.

My Favorite Way to Save Money +

So random topic but I had multiple people message me about the expenses for my 3 week long trip + straight up even ask me how I afforded it LOL. I am usually a pretty open book, so no I don’t think that’s rude in any way. (We all work our asses off + we all should want to aim higher for ourselves!)

I’m not rich guys, but I’m pretty decent with money management. So I just wanted to share an app I use that has intrigued me from the get-go!

It’s called Acorns.

Click here to get started!!

There’s a million apps out there to help you save money but I highly recommend this one first and foremost.

I’ve been using it since October 2016 + started it by simply linking my credit & debit cards to save roundups. Eventually I multiplied my roundups x2 (so doubling the amount) and then started automatically transferring $5 a week. The funds being moved are so small you literally don’t even notice, and it’s nice to check it every month or so and see your account grow.

What separates this app from most others is that instead of your hard earned money just lingering in an account, it actually turns around and invests it- aka the hard work is done for ya. All through the app. You also have the choice on how risky you wanna get with your money. The longer you use the app, the more money you’re building + sitting on, which means the more you have a chance to earn!

They have a $5 referral bonus, (for you and the new investor) so when you get your friends to save their first few dollars, you’re winning too! 💸

Use my link to download the app and sign up! And if you guys have any questions about how to do it I’m happy to help as much as possible! 😋

I back this app 100% and this is my personal experience using it. Start investing with Acorns today! Get $5 when you use my invite code:

Click here to save us both $$!

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Sometimes, the best advice you can take is your own.+

I have a collection of writings from previous experiences that I’ve been compelled to share for a long time. Writing has always been therapeutic for me when my mind is clouded with emotions. The purpose of sharing many of these is my hope in reaching someone who could relate, and thus making them feel less alone in their own personal journey.

Moon opposite Mercury + “There is a conflict here between the head and the heart. Your emotions tell you one thing and your mind tells you something else. The result is a see-saw effect: you can be emotional to the point of irrationality at one moment, and logical the next. How to blend the head and the heart is a constant struggle for you, usually because you have a tendency to resist blending them.”

 

What hurts today won’t hurt tomorrow. Time will fix everything, and God will put things back in order. He’s done so much for you spiritually emotionally & mentally, when you’ve needed it most He hasn’t let you down.  You did what you had to do and undoubtedly put in 1000%. Don’t mess up the rest of God’s plan for you, because you want to allow yourself to be weighed down by the past. That isn’t you. You’re a lover of new beginnings, and shouldn’t compromise that because you feel lonely. You’re not alone. The people who care about you TRULY care, and that’s more than most people can say for themselves. So just be patient. Relax. Give it to God. Lighten your heart up- there’s no person worth burdening you to the point of feeling like you aren’t yourself. You’re truly great, and have the power to do great things, while helping others do great things. Don’t let your purpose go to waste. Emotions are only temporary. Look at the bigger picture, stop being so blind by what’s in front of you. You’re selling yourself short.

2013.